Despair

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

W. E. Henley

Charter of the Fundamental Rights of the European Union 2000 -
Chapter 1 Dignity

Article 3.1 everyone has the right to respect for his or her physical
and mental integrity

Article 3. The Prohibition of Torture - Article 1 of the torture convention defines ‘torture’ as any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental is intentionally inflicted on a person.

“Severe mental pain or suffering” means the prolonged mental harm, article 16 of the torture convention obliges states not to commit
“other acts of cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment.”

The Start of 2003 -
I have to remind myself that this is true; it is no work of fiction. When did all this start, I can’t quite remember now it seems like another life altogether, one where torment and suffering hadn’t even appeared, let only managed to take hold and control. Unlike now where I am constantly surrounded by a forest of pain and persecution and am well and truly lost.

25.06.03
Still not sleeping it’s been four nights now if I don’t sleep tonight I plan to go to the Doctors again in the morning and go back onto sleeping pills; my general mood has improved a bit today not that it makes much difference.

06.07.03
It is 02.40 in the morning and once more, I find myself unable to sleep, there are just to many questions, like when did it become so wrong and to try to lead a decent life. I’ve still got along way to go and so far it’s cost me health, nearly my sanity, and will properly cost me my home and everything else I own and all the while I keep asking myself who’s contract did I breach, who’s money did I keep, which law court have I lied to?

05.11.03
Had a meeting with the head of WPF who wanted to check how things are going, not really rocket science is it? You run the gauntlet receiving blows from all directions, unable to defend yourself or even begin to understand fully what’s happening, and in the end you can take no more and you retreat and when you can no longer retreat you break, and still the blows keep on coming. She said I don’t need to attend counselling anymore. But made it perfectly clear that I would never fully recover from all this, which in itself brings even more unwanted pain.

The Start of 2004 -
(Part of a letter to the Master at the High Courts of Justice),
The judgment was to all intents and purposes the courts of law asking me to pay for a false case against me that had already cost me everything. This led directly to my stress breakdown, having had to watch four years of work destroyed; to endure the lies, deceit and manipulation of the truth by the very people that forced me out of business; having to watch as my plans, dreams and aspirations were torn to pieces before me and then being told by the courts to pay for the other side to continue was too much for me to endure. Nothing the cadets, training courses or even the Army had taught me could prepare me for what I was and am still facing.

02.03.04
Had my meeting with the DTI this morning at least they were semi interested in what I had to say unlike our courts and they could see the breaches to the company’s act that those boys at Flextech have made. Now the only thing left for me to do is to tell the press, don’t even know if they will listen, but I have to try anyway? Having those thoughts again about actually being able to continue, some day’s it really is like my very existence lies in the balance

28.03.04
It’s now Sunday afternoon and the darkness is overwhelming it’s a cross between quicksand and drowning, your stuck and the waters rising fast I now understand the journey into the darkness, and don’t even bother trying to fight it anymore as it’s a place I now know well. I have to stop writing now as the tears are streaming down the side of my face and the darkness is overwhelming.

22.04.04
Over the last three weeks, I’ve sold my flat, to pay more solicitors, most of my belongings, had the money from the sale of the flat retained by the solicitors, which now means I am actually homeless, have now been declared at risk by the local authority and will be placed in emergency accommodation while they assess my situation.

24.11.04
I have spent the last week thinking again about ending all of this, as I have said earlier I don’t believe any man should be made to suffer like this, my body has begun to breakdown again from the ongoing stress of it all with blisters and rash’s everywhere, and my hair has started to fall out? I can’t sleep unless I’ve taken sleeping pills which I have had to increase the dose of and in a matter of weeks I will have to start taking anti depressants, not much a life if you think about it? can anybody really be surprised that I want to end all this.

29/11/04
I really don’t want to be broken anymore.

As joy is expressed by laughter on earth, so is it by an increase of
splendour in Paradise; and, on the contrary, grief is betokened in
Hell by augmented darkness.

Dante Alighieri